So I''m not going to lie, getting "Let Go" really sucks. I say "Let Go" because every article I read on how I should be feeling says that the term "Fucking Fired" is a bit to harsh. "Onward and upward" they say or some total bag of shit statement like that seems to be what the so called experts think is best for my mental state right now. So as I wake up every morning now trying to justify my existence in this world, I surf the internet on how exactly I should be coping with this total fucking screw job situation I find myself in.. No wait. I believe the term is "New Beginning". It appears that I could go one of two ways.. The first is to try and deal with it by viewing the glass as half full. Look at this as an opportunity to explore life and all the wonders it has to offer...Sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth. Or the other way to go is to just fucking hate the world and everyone in it. For now I'm going to choose this path. For those of you who know me, not a big shocker I'm sure but for me, this just seems like the logical path. As I sit here typing I already feel better about myself. So here we go. I dedicate this series of Blogs to those assholes who make me say, "I Can't Even".
1. Unwarranted Dog Petter Asshole:
Here's the deal. Just because I have stepped outside my home with canines by my side so they can get some exercise and do their business doesn't mean you can REACH OUT AND TOUCH MY DOGS WITHOUT ASKING. It’s just kind of rude. If my dog comes up to you, I get it, I’m not going to be a dick because they’re social animals, but for all you know this Sheppard Mix and Jack Russel Terrier could not like you or people at all. So now if you smell like bacon or a cat and my dogs decides to take a bite or run you over, I've now become a lawsuit waiting to happen. If I see a cute animal that I want to touch, I’d simply say to the owner “Cute dog! Do you mind if I pet him/her?” It’s that simple. I CAN'T EVEN WITH YOU PEOPLE.
2. The I Can't Wait For You To Get Off The Elevator Asshole:
Can we all agree that these people need to Chill the fuck out! I promise you’ll get where you’re going. The idea is, we get off first and that gives you more space when you get on. It’s a fucking common courtesy! Don’t be an impatient asshole. SO LET ME GET OFF FIRST. I CAN'T EVEN WITH YOU PEOPLE.
It’s seems lately that everywhere I turn, someone or something is telling me why it’s the perfect time to join a gym. DON’T! So, before you fall for this scam and bench press your savings account dry, read this list of reasons why you shouldn't join a gym this year:
In general, a gym contract is like a regular contract…on steroids. And, if you look at them closely, you’ll see another 3-letter word besides “gym” that pops up quite often; “FEE.” Turns out your monthly charge covers everything except… anything. Bring a guest? Fee! Go to the same gym closer to your work? Fee! Use that fancy new equipment upstairs? Fee! Got to use the bathroom? It’ll probably cost you!
The Food is Terrible
I know that a gym snack bar isn’t going to serve onion rings floating in gravy (e-mail for recipe), however, is it possible to have a few normal items that don’t have to be blended or served in bar form? The secret to the gym food is that it is so gross you won’t eat it, and boom, you’re skinny. How about instead of a Soy Milk Tofu bar and a tall spinach shake, you offer up a nice healthy rotisserie chicken and a beer…ok, light beer.
Every gym claims to be “revolutionary” and they try to live up to this claim by inventing some of the most ridiculous workout classes I’ve ever seen. What started with Jazzercise classes in the 80’s morphed into Boot Camps, Crossfit and spinning. I know it’s probably good for me if I hang upside down from a basketball hoop while curling a potted fern plant and breathing deeply, but that doesn’t mean they need to offer that as a class.
Fill a storage locker with a few hundred people sweating, breathing heavy and drinking vegetable shakes, and what do you expect? Even “high end” gyms smell bad, so you can forget about the bargain gyms. As a general rule of thumb, the less the gym costs, the more it will smell. That’s why free gyms are pretty much homeless storage with a few rusty weights holding the floor together. The real problem here is the group-stink. If hell has air fresheners, they probably come in “Gym Scent”.
If you really want to get in better shape in 2014, take the stairs once in a while and limit your funnel cake intake to every other week, but don’t get suckered into joining a gym. As always, thanks for reading and I hope my sarcastic social commentary on life will at the very least give you a laugh.
As I get older it has become very apparent that more and more things are starting to annoy me more than ever. The sad part is I know that many of these things probably shouldn’t but nevertheless, they do. I thought I would start a new series of posts outlining some of the things that just drive me crazy lately. See either of these situations makes you scratch your head and say, “Are you kidding me”.
1) Tons of empty seats, but the person sits right next to me
I went to the Cobb Theater this weekend to catch a matinee. There were literally rows and rows and rows of empty seats in the theater when the movie started. However, a couple walks in during the previews and with all the choice seating available to them, they decide it best to sit right next to me. I don’t get what people are thinking when they do this. Frankly, it’s creepy.
2) Did you find everything you were looking for?
It annoys me when I get to the register and a sales cashier asks me, “Did you find everything you were looking for?” It takes every fiber within my being to resist the urge to say, “Obviously I did, otherwise would I be standing in line to pay? Wouldn’t I still be shopping if I was looking for something else?” I just don’t get this question. Attention sales cashiers: If I still am looking for something, I would be shopping rather than twiddling my thumbs standing in line.
These are just a few of the everyday situations I run into that aggravate me. Now I know I should not let such stupid little things aggravate me, but I can’t help it. What aggravates you? Take a moment and share some of the more annoying things you encounter everyday.
Somebody just asked me the other day if I had a penchant for seafood. Of course my answer was, "What the hell is a penchant?" When I realized they were asking if I liked fresh seafood my response was that I loved fresh seafood. Who doesn't except for those allergic to the iodine – like my brother is?
The lady who asked me that question was selling fresh shrimp from the back of her truck on Southern Blvd. In case you’re new to South Florida, pick up truck beds often sub for the produce or meat section in Publix these days. Once you get the dogs out of the back of the truck it is a great platform for selling shrimp. So I reluctantly bought a few pounds of gorgeous pink and brown shrimp. I say reluctantly because the temperature was hot and the sun was bright; however, she had everything iced down well.
I get home and start to prepare my little friends.. Some get the fryer and the remainders were placed into a highly seasoned blend of spices and boiling water. Damn! I was extremely proud of my culinary creation here…I could hardly wait to dig in! My girlfriend set the table. A couple of buddies were bringing the cold beer as we got ready to submerse ourselves in shrimp. So as I was trying to pick out some clean silverware to eat with I listened to the local news. Seems a lady and her brother had been arrested that day for selling stolen, and possibly contaminated, shrimp from their truck. The news report showed their pictures and listed the two locations that they had sold the shrimp from and guess what??? Exactly!
When my friends made it over I told them the news. I had purchased stolen and possibly spoiled seafood. I suddenly had a penchant for a lot of cold beer!
I guess penchants can be good for something after all!
If you have spent anytime with sales people then I’m sure at some point you have come across this situation. I’m referring to a common problem (and possibly the most annoying) among those in charge of “selling” a product or service. It’s called Closing after the sale. This is when someone GETS what they want, but continues to argue for it. You see this often in the Restaurant, Real Estate and yes even in the Radio Business.
For instance the other day, I was eating at an Italian restaurant with a bunch of friends and the server was one of those who talks and talks and talks causing all at the table to count the seconds until they leave. Unfortunately, the person in charge of coordinating this meal was the kind of guy who can't lay it down and tell someone to shut up, so our ENTIRE table was subjected to the most horrendous type of monologue imaginable. Finally, when all of our orders were placed the server CONTINUED saying why my choice was a good one since it was the softest pasta on the menu, etc. WE ALREADY PLACED THE ORDER. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SELL ANYMORE. PLEASE LEAVE! What ever happened to the art of just listening? Watch for this next time you're out. Collectively we can begin shaming these people into shutting up.